RELATIONSHIP DOULA

Somatic and Intimacy Education

Somatic and Intimacy education is a developing specialization in the larger field of sex education. Somatic means ‘of the body’. Somatic sex education supports clients to strengthen their somatic (body) awareness, body-based wisdom and embodied ethics about relationships involving sex and intimacy. In sessions, clients learn to become more sensate focused and attuned to their bodies sense of inner knowing. They learn to make informed decisions by paying attention to somatic (body-based) signals, such as a gut feeling, that acts as a reliable compass for guidance in their life.

Increased somatic awareness can:

• Increase sexual pleasure
• Heal sexual trauma
• Ease sexual dysfunction
• Discern healthy and respectful sexual behaviours
• Support sexual autonomy
• Increase capacity for connection and intimacy with others
• Increase awareness about types of touch and how to ask for the type desired in the moment

Talk and Touch Choices

The practice of somatic and intimacy education involves sex and intimacy coaching and guidance in somatic exercises using a talk-based or a touch-based approach, or both. Clients choose which approach best suits their personal comfort level, learning zone and cultural considerations.

The talk-only based approach involves the practice of sex and intimacy coaching. It is experienced by clients as being a more traditional talk-based style of service; like a cross between sex education and sex therapy. Practitioners still focus on somatic approaches and use of somatic exercises and other practical coaching strategies to guide clients towards increased access to sexual pleasure and healing and greater levels of intimacy with their partners.

The touch-based approach further develops the client’s sensate focus, body wisdom and felt-sense of deep learning at the somatic, tissue and cellular, level. Somatic exercises involving bodywork in sessions supports integration of deep learning about pleasure and healing and about directing touch to experience more pleasure and healing.

The practice is holistic and supports teachings about touch discernment; acknowledging there are different forms of touch that can illicit feelings of relaxation, comfort, connection and love in addition to feelings of erotic arousal. Clients choose what type of touch meets their immediate needs and desires.

Sexual Autonomy

It is also the concept of ‘choice and voice’ that makes somatic and intimacy education a unique modality. ‘Choice’ involves asking clients to take the time to consult with their body wisdom to discern the precise intimacy and touch they really want. ‘Voice’ involves supporting clients to speak up and give voice to their precise desire for intimacy and touch.

The regular practice of guiding clients with ‘choice and voice’ exercises supports them to be in control of their own sex and intimate life and establish sexual autonomy. Clients are no longer dependent on others for their happiness and sexual pleasure. They learn how to ask for and receive intimacy and sexual pleasure on their own terms.

In a single Somatic and Intimacy Education session, clients can learn valuable intimacy skills and enjoy a pleasurable experience. A one-time session can provide an introduction to body awareness, touch, and communication that can leave them feeling more connected to their own desires and needs. They might gain insight into specific techniques or exercises that can enhance their intimacy and relationships.

However, the real benefits of Somatic and Intimacy Education come from attending a series of sessions. A longer-term commitment allows for deeper exploration and development of skills over time. As trust and comfort build between the client and educator, clients can gradually work through blocks or patterns that may take more time to surface and resolve. They also get the chance to practice these skills in a safe, supportive environment, integrating new ways of experiencing pleasure, intimacy, and connection into their everyday lives. This extended process leads to lasting change, as the client can develop a more embodied understanding of their sexuality and relational skills, creating more profound shifts than what might be possible in just one session.

In my current practice, I steer away and avoid offering single sessions for my clients. My contracts now with clients involve a longer term commitment; typically a number of months. I gear my recommendations and offers for service to clients based on individual circumstances and needs. This is determined by the information provided in the initial intake form, in the first talk-based in-person discovery session and by the ongoing learning that occurs about clients during session work together.

The Science of Sexual Happiness

Somatic and Intimacy Education practice is rooted in science. The brain is retrained to orient to pleasure and healing by the practices of somatic and intimacy education through the neuroscience known as neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the adaptability of the brain to effect permanent changes to neurochemistry and neuropathways when exposed to new elements or repeated experiences that differ from previous ones.

Both talk-based and touch-based approaches support neuroplasticity and can establish new pathways and altered neurochemical releases in the brain to become more pleasure and healing orientated. Repeated experiences of receiving pleasurable and loving touch in a safe environment is the fast-track way to mobilize neuroplasticity. Somatic and Intimacy Education offers this fast-track-to-pleasure opportunity through the practice of safe and loving wanted touch.

The brain once re-oriented to pleasure and healing will navigate naturally to more pleasure and healing on an automatic basis. Pleasure is healing. Pleasure begets more pleasure. And pleasure also begets more healing; healing from sexual shame, repression and trauma impacting many in today’s world.

Learning to orient to pleasure and following pleasure in everyday life is a life-changing experience. The field of Somatic and Intimacy Education has the theories, practices, and trained practitioners in place to offer our clients a pathway to success with intimacy, sexual pleasure and happiness in their life.

Code of Ethical Practice and Common Somatic Exercises

Mindfulness Exercises: are a series of inquiries guiding the client to be present in their own body, in their current physical environment and in the company of beloved intimate partners. It guides them to notice the sights, sounds and smells that surround them. This exercise supports increased somatic awareness and sexual pleasure.

Waking Up the Hands: is a exercise developed by Dr. Betty Martin teaching how to hone in on the multitude of nerve endings of the hand and take in sensation from touching an inanimate object to produce pleasurable feelings in your body. It teaches about our capacity to take pleasure from touching another person.

Waking Up the Neighbourhood: is a talk and touch exercise where the practitioner touches all areas of the body where the client has given consent to touch. This is often used as an introduction to touch in sessions to warm up the client and to give them an opportunity to pay attention and talk about what part of their body is craving to be touched more. Clients are guided into noticing and talking about what type of touch they are craving more in the moment. Are they craving touch that is relaxing, comforting, connecting, loving, erotically arousing, or a combination of various types of touch?

The Three Minute Game: another somatic exercise that is foundational to Somatic and Intimacy Education and Surrogate Partner Therapy. Clients choose where they would like to be touched for three minutes and ask for the precise touch they want to receive. The three-minute choice and voice exercise is repeated for a pre-negotiated amount of time. Access to increased sexual pleasure and sexual autonomy is the outcome of this exercise.

Pleasure Mapping Exercises: this is a somatic exercise where different areas of the client’s body are touched with their prior consent, and where the client is then guided to tune into and rate their pleasure response for each area. The purpose of this exercise is to assist clients to learn more about their erogenous zones and increase their access to sexual pleasure.

Mindful Erotic Practice Exercises: this is a sex coaching exercise that guides clients in self-pleasure practices with specific intent to expand pleasure and experience the healing power of their erotic life-force energy. Coaching in use of breath, movement, sound, fragrance, lighting and use of sex toys or other aids are examples of self-pleasuring inquiries that can be explored with this somatic exercise.

Relationship Doula Service is a therapeutic practice designed to help individuals improve success in intimate relationships. Communication skills,  emotional connection, physical intimacy and confidence in receiving and giving erotic pleasure is addressed. The client works with me, as a trained Relationship Doula, to build global skills and confidence in intimate relationships. The process typically involves teachings, and then real-life practice with me, regarding communication strategies, emotional intimacy development, body (somatic) awareness exercises, and then take gradual steps towards physical intimacy; all conducted in a safe, structured, and supportive environment. I act in the role of your girlfriend or intimate partner, for the duration of our contract, so you can develop the skills and confidence and get the real-life practice for greater success in future relationships,

Relationship Doula Service and Somatic and Intimacy Education share many of the same somatic exercises, such as breathwork, touch, movement, and body awareness practices. Both modalities focus on helping individuals connect with their bodies and emotions, heal through physical experience, and develop healthy intimacy and sexual expression with their chosen partner. In these ways, the approaches are closely related. The key difference is:

• Relationship Doula service is an intensive longer-term relationship experience for the client (acting in the role of temporary intimate partner for the client),
• Relationship Doula service results in greater intensity of emotional and physical intimacy experiences for the client and requires a longer-term commitment to the therapeutic process, and
• Relationship Doula service is an intense form of Dating Coaching. It involves more than just talking and coaching someone verbally. It involves talking, coaching, touching, and giving and receiving pleasure. It requires commitment and determination to work through barriers as they present themselves in order to build and internalize intimacy skills that will last a life time following completion of the service.

Relationship Doula service is an intensive and long-term therapeutic approach. This is essential for a few key reasons, particularly when it comes to developing intimacy skills and embodying those skills in a way that can positively affect future romantic relationships.

Deep and Lasting Change: Relationship Doula Service, by design, fosters a gradual and in-depth exploration of intimacy, touch, and communication. Because the process unfolds over time, the client has the opportunity to internalize what they are learning. Instead of short-term or surface-level solutions, this long-term model allows clients to not only learn new skills but to truly embody them. This means that the behaviors and emotional patterns developed during therapy are likely to become second nature, leading to sustainable improvements in how clients approach intimacy and relationships in the future.

Building Trust and Safety: Intimacy skills are closely tied to feelings of emotional safety and trust. In a long-term Relationship Doula Service, the client has the time to develop a deep sense of trust with me, the practitioner, and create a safe environment where vulnerabilities can be explored and addressed. This trust is crucial for clients who may have experienced past trauma, rejection, or intimacy-related anxiety. Over time, the client learns to translate that trust into future relationships, feeling more secure in sharing their needs, feelings, and vulnerabilities with partners.

Rewiring Patterns of Behavior: Many intimacy challenges arise from deeply ingrained patterns of behavior, often linked to early life experiences or past romantic encounters. Long-term therapeutic service provides the necessary time for these patterns to be recognized, addressed, and gradually reshaped. Through continuous practice of communication, boundary-setting, and emotional openness, the client learns to respond differently in moments of stress or closeness, laying a healthier foundation for future relationships.

Skill Development Through Practice: Intimacy, like any other complex skill, requires practice to develop mastery. A short-term therapeutic approach might not offer enough time to practice and refine the various aspects of intimacy, such as giving and receiving touch, verbalizing desires and boundaries, or navigating emotional and sexual vulnerability. With Relationship Doula Service, the client is given multiple opportunities to experiment, fail, adjust, and improve their interpersonal skills in a safe and supportive context. This repeated practice boosts their confidence and competence in future romantic relationships.

Embodiment and Integration: An important aspect of Relationship Doula Service is that it is a holistic approach that involves both talk-based therapeutic coaching and physical intimacy practice. Over time, the integration of emotional insights with physical experience helps clients to fully embody their learning. Rather than intellectualizing or merely discussing their feelings about intimacy, clients come to experience those feelings in real, embodied ways. This integration is key to ensuring that they can bring their new skills into future relationships with authenticity and ease.

Preparation for Real-Life Relationships: Since Relationship Doula Service mirrors aspects of romantic relationships—such as emotional connection, physical intimacy, and communication—it offers clients a practice ground. The long-term nature of the therapy means that clients can practice not only initial stages of connection but also what happens as relationships deepen. They become familiar with the dynamics of long-term connection, managing conflict, and sustaining intimacy, which can prepare them more thoroughly for future relationships.

In summary, the intensive and long-term structure of Relationship Doula Service allows for deep healing, skill development, and embodiment, which all contribute to a higher likelihood of success in the client’s future romantic relationships. By experiencing gradual growth in a supportive, therapeutic context, clients can feel more confident, secure, and skilled in intimacy.

SURROGATE PARTNER THERAPY

SPT is a service similar to Relationship Doula Service, but it involves working collaboratively with a therapist in a triadic model of care. SPT is suited for those who require the additional supports offered by the therapist to guide the therapeutic plan and supervise the therapeutic process. Working on intimacy issues is hard emotional labour for everyone, and especially for vulnerable persons. In some situations, it is best to have a therapist actively involved during the SPT period.

DATING COACHING

Dating Coaching involves a series of talk-based exercises and coaching strategies to mobilize the client’s intellectual knowledge and body wisdom about dating practices. It can assist you to set clear intimate relationship goals, establish boundaries and selection criteria for potential matches, practice determining how to evaluate and select good dating candidates and then practice good communication skills to build intimacy. Touch exercises, if chosen, can be added to practice the inclusion of physical intimacy in new relationships. Dating Coaching involves a series of sessions; on average six to eight sessions.  I consider Dating Coaching to be less intensive and more intellectual in nature compared to Relationship Doula Service. It involves more talk and less touch, or no touch, in the sessions. However, it is less costly and can make a big difference: it can offer you a new trajectory and improved outcome to your current dating practice.